• Freshmen versus seniors

  Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.

  Senior: Is never out of bed before noon.

   

  Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.

  Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend.

   

  Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.

  Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class.

   

  Freshman: Calls the professor "Teacher."

  Senior: Calls the professor "Bob."

   

  Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.

  Senior: Drives to class if it's more than three blocks away.

   

  Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.

  Senior: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.

   

  Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.

  Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually.

   

  Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.

  Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.

   

  Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are.

  Senior: Has own personal workstation.

   

  Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.

  Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe.

   

  Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year.

  Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year.

   

  Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm

  Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm

   

  Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night

  Senior: Calls Domino's every other night

   

  Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of professors

  Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the summer

   

  Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions

  Senior: Homework? I knew I forgot to do something last night

   

  Freshman: Goes on grocery-shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus

  Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving into group house

   

  Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one's horizons and really make a contribution to society

  Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room

   

  Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class

  Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class

   

  Clinton at the May Day parade

  The May Day parade in Moscow is the largest, most important military parade of the year. For 1992's parade, Yeltsin and Gorbachev invited Bill Clinton to come watch it with them. The parade commenced with a battalion of tanks, followed by a division of infantry, followed by armored personnel carriers and mobile artillery. They had mobile ballistic missile launchers, electronic jamming vehicles, and throughout the entire time the formations were overflown by squadrons of the most advanced interceptors, fighters, and long-range tactical and strategic bombers.

   

  

  Clinton, who had never been this close to war in his life, was suitably impressed. Then he noticed that, way back at the end of the parade, there was a disorganized, messy bunch of men in rumpled suits tagging along behind the last artillery pieces. "Who are they?" he asked.

   

  "Ah," said Yeltsin, "those are our economists!"

   

  "But I thought this parade was military..." said Clinton, confused.

   

  "Mr. Clinton," said Gorbachev, "have you SEEN the damage those men can do?"

• You're in the Desert

  16 Ways of Knowing You're in the Desert

  1. You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
  2. You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
  3. You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
  4. You can make instant sun tea.
  5. You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
  6. The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
  7. You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
  8. You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
  9. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
  10. Hot water now comes out of both taps.
  11. It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
  12. You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
  13. You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
  14. No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
  15. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
  16. You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

  A dog's chalkboard assignments

  This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your dog when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment. A. Fill in the blanks
  
  1. [xxx] is not food.
  Spiders; bandaids; ivy and airplane plants; Xmas ornaments; the carved jack-o-lantern; plants from the aquarium; cat litter box contents; laundry detergent boxes (esp. not when full!); toothpaste (tube and all); remote controls; linoleum; eyeglasses; books; stockings; the tar shingles on my house; chicken wire; bizarre plants; disposable razors; rocks; Lego; dirty Kleenex; the baby's used diaper; Christmas stockings; soda pop cans; fiberglass insulation stuffed up the chimney; the underwear in the clothes hamper; Mommy's hair accessories; Mommy's catnip teabags; unopened honey packets; staples; Christmas stockings; credit cards, CDs, and other thin plastic things.
  
  2. I will not lift my leg to the [xxx].
  Anything growing in the vegetable garden; house corner; new boyfriend; mailman; woodstove; subordinate pack members; Grandma's plush chair; the conformation judge; good-looking neighbour man that Mommy is trying to impress; Daddy in the lawn chair.
  
  3. I recognize that [xxx] has a right to exist.
  The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the aquarium; 3rd grade art projects (even if they are made of macaroni shells); the other dog(s); the TV remote control; the human's little humans; the bath mitt; Rolling Stone magazine; large patterns on wallpaper;
  
  4. [xxx] is not a toy.
  The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the humans' pet cockatiel; newly planted iris bulbs; pillows and blankets from the bed; laundry (dirty OR clean); aquarium plants; stuffed animals from on top of the chest of drawers; pillows and blankets from the newly made bed; the hose that's filling the kiddie pool; the humans' Nerf footballs; human's underwear; Mommy and Daddy's ferrets.
  
  5. I will not chew the [xxx].
  Human's homework; human's papers s/he has to mark; remote control; cardboard around the laundry detergent; handles to the lawn tools; garage door; kitchen cabinets; food left within reach on the couch; the mini-human's *full* bottle even though it conveniently fell in front of me from the crib; horse's new saddle; wall; carpet; deck; couch; sofa cushions; expensive paperbacks.
  
  6. I will not bark at [xxx].
  Plastic bags on the ground; the new plow blade on my owner's truck when it is parked; the wind; thunder; the road grader; Daddy's new Santa bear toy (which was innocently sitting on a chair, and had been there for hours before Molly noticed it and took umbrage); tissue paper being blown along the floor by air from the furnace; the spring doorstop when I or the kid flips it and makes it go DOooiiiiinnnnnng; my mother's clean laundry thrown on top of the bed, even if the room is dark and it looks like someone sleeping there; the ball I just pushed into an inaccessible crevice all by myself; the fox/skunk/cat/deer out in the yard at any time after midnight, especially on a work night; the fire hydrant on the corner when out for a walk at night; the car radio; the answering machine lady when she says the date/time; the ice cube that slid under the fridge; the rawhide chewbone that I'm making no headway on; absolutely nothing (especially after 11 PM).
  
  7. I will not dig [xxx].
  Under the stove (and through the linoleum); under the sidewalk until it collapses; the carpet; a hole under the porch and then get stuck under it; under my master's pillow at 2 AM to retrieve the bone I hid there earlier; a swimming pool in the back yard;
  

  New person in prison

  A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.
  
  Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.
  
  The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
  
  The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.
  
  You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.
  
  I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
  
  The new man asked, "What happened?"
  
  "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
  

  
  

   
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